well hello

well hello to the world guess what i got my phone back yup yup yup a week early yay me I'm happy now i pray that things will change that my family will see what there doing to me
everyday they take who i really am and throw it away like I'm trash
I'm not good enough to them i need to grow up i need to be an adult i need to lose the joking and fun
so when I'm home i don't play around
I'm 17 i was raised in a family filled with drugs and drinking my mother a drug addict and my father a drunk i helped take care of my little brothers when i was still little can any of you imagine that being a kid raising your brothers being hungry giving your food to them wearing dirty clothes my father left when my mother was pregnant with my littlest brother well my mother found a boyfriend another druggie like her what i perfect match well one day that little family i had was stolen away just like that i watched the cops swoop in and take my mother i watched them handcuff her put her in the back seat of the cop car and drove away i loved her i don't know why but i did i worshipped her as they left i thought i would stay with my grandma who lived right next door it was Sunday so we had just got back from church well i was wrong they took all us kids to child haven i watched them take my little brothers away i got to say with one of my sisters i have two older sisters and two younger brothers they separated us by age my brothers were taken away i was not aloud to talk to them i had to see them through a fence i had to share a room and and everything was timed i wore others clothes and showered in a big bathroom where there were others in it i got lice my grandma and aunt got us all out i cried every night for my mother i prayed i hoped and wished that i would get my happy ending my parents back together the drugs and drinking to go away just to be happy but no my mother was released and picked drugs and her boyfriend over us kids and my dad never came to see how we were doing the whole time one time he never came around for a whole year i cried so much in that time i was a scared little girl who just wanted that happy family everyone talks about well i soon realized that wasn't going to happen after awhile we moved to Texas it felt like things were getting better i thought i would never have to see my mother again i was happy i hated her and still do she chose that crap over her own kids what kind of person would do that well we had to come back to Vegas i was not happy at all i still aren't i hate this dry place well on our way here my grandfather pasted away i was devastated i hated everything i hated the world i hated me i blamed myself for his death i sucked everything in i had to be the strong one my grandma needed me we still had a long way to get to Vegas so i did what was needed my grandmother drove and i took care of the kids and when ever my grandma needed anything i was right there we got to Vegas and we had to tell my mother so we tracked her down my and my grandma went to tell her we had to through rocks at a window just so she would wake up and then she walked out and was surprised to see us then my grandma told her i remember it like it was yesterday well the funeral came and i did what was needed i took care of the kids while the adults mourned there dear loved one as the days i shed not one tear i had to be strong they needed a fighter so that's what i became months pasted and then it was time for part of my family to leave for Mexico so i took on more things to make it easier for them a year had pasted not one tear had been shed not one emotion escaped not one fear not one thought nothing was let out i was what they needed with not sharing my thoughts my feelings my emotions i lost who i was i didn't talk unless spoken to didn't smile didn't laugh there was no need for it my thoughts turned dark lonely cold home safe well as the time pasted i fell in love he made me see knew light so i told my family that i didn't want to live anymore i told them things that were in my head secrets i was put in therapy i changed and decided to tell him that i liked him i waited a year just to tell him well he didn't like me back it crushed me but i stood tall shoulders back and chin held high and kept talking to him i helped him get with this girl that he really liked and we kept talking just as friends because id rather be his friend than nothing at all every day i lied to myself every time i saw him my heart was broken again and when they were together i didn't look at him because i knew i would cry and that was weak as time pasted he started to like me back but he thought it was to late because i was with another man well me and that other guy broke up and me and the guy i love got close really close i have been in love with him for three years for now he is gone but he will be coming back and then me and him will be together at least i hope he cares for me i know that much he told me that when he gets back we'll see what happens between us we write to each other and for now that's all i have of him is his letters he asked me to do some things while he's away and I'm doing them its not easy but I'm doing it for him and I'm getting hurt while I'm doing it but i would take any pain for him that's what love is he asked me to date others until he got back so I'm doing it and each guy uses me so relationships don't last long but that's ok because then i would get to close and i dint want that i have never been more in love some think I'm foolish because he has hurt me so much they think i should just give up let go and move on but i refuse because that's not what love is you don't give up on someone just like you wouldn't give up on a child or the ill for a short time he did not see but i believe he has now i believe he has changed i think about him daily his soft skin his god like face that shining smile his memorizing eyes his gentle touch his soft voice his sweet lips i love him his picture is set in my mind forever the feel of his body the way he knew me the way he still knows me like no one has ever known me before in his letter to me he said he still thinks of the good old days hehe not saying what those are he told me they were AMAZING yes he put it in caps he said he would never forget and by the letter i know he loves me...